That Can’t Sleep Love


This weirdest feeling came over me this morning. It was 6:47 A.M. so I know I’d snoozed my alarm about 6 time. I groaned into my pillow at the thought of getting out the bed, regret filling me for staying up too late watching Netflix. Then it happened. I looked through blurry eyes over to my right and glanced at the face of my boyfriend, who was snoring away. My eyes moved from his closed eyes to his slightly parted lips. I took in how calmly his chest rose and fell and the way his snores were powerful yet soft. I took in how his hair brushed the top of his forehead, back and forth slowly in the gusts from the fan. I took in all this and, at damn near 7 A.M. in the morning, I once again realized I loved this man. 

Sure we’ve both established that we love each other but this was different. This was stronger. This literally filled my entire being and took my breath away. This was fucking terrifying. In those short moments, I realized this man meant so much to me. I’ve had so many sappy moments in my head all last month, each one fighting its way out of my brain and trying to escape through my words. I wanted to say so many disgustingly cute things to him but my breath would always catch and my words would die in my throat. Today I’ve decided that I’m going to stop that and say what I need to say. 

Right now I am at work and I’ve never been more distracted in my life. I keep thinking about little things and I’ve had this big, stupid grin on my face. It’s so dumb but so amazing at the same time. I’ve never felt this way before  and I never want to lose this feeling. Everyone should feel this way, always. 

I’ve always thought I know what love was growing up but I realize now that I was only creating a fantasy love that wasn’t there in any of my past relationships. Not to be mean, but they were insignificant but needed at the same time. I learned so much, and though I was hurt, it was necessary. They prepared me for what I have now. 

So to conclude my little mush fest of a post, I’d like to finally get a few things off my chest on what I love. It’s only here for me to finally get the courage to say these things:

  1. I love that you let me be myself.
  2. I love that you accept my good and my bad
  3. I love that you bring me into your world, whether it’s through music, movies or food
  4. I love that you take my feelings into account on everything 
  5. I love that you don’t shame me for how much I eat or what I wear
  6. I love that you took the initiative to get to know my family and in return let me bond with yours 
  7. I love that you have made me love my body more in the last 6 months than I have in the last 25 years of my life 
  8. I love that you call me beautiful when no other man had 
  9. I love that you look at me like I’m the best thing ever when you open your eyes in the morning 
  10. I love that you have restored my faith in what a father should be just by loving your sons unconditionally.
  11. Finally, I love that you are you. No more, no less. 

Once again, I think everyone should feel this way. Its disgusting. Its sappy. Yet it’s the best feeling you can ever feel. 


The Little Things


At one point in my life, I used to think that expressing love and affection required grandeur gestures and lots of words. I’ve learned now that is pure bullshit. The little things can make a bigger impression than anything else could. This has been proven day after day for me. I’ve compiled a small list of the little things I experience everyday that make me feel like I’m on cloud 9.

  1. A kiss to the back of my hand while we watch tv or when we’re riding in the car. It’s so tender and its makes my heart speed up every time it happens
  2. The way he uses the words “nerd” and “weird” as terms of endearment. Thank you for accepting that I’m in no way, shape or form normal
  3. The lingering kiss he trails from my earlobe to my neck to my shoulder. I can’t even begin to explain the list things that short kiss does to me.
  4. The way he pushes his finger to my lips when my short attention span kicks in during a really important part of a tv show I’m supposed to be paying attention to. I promise I’m not doing that on purpose.
  5.  The fact that he remembers my favorite beer or food item and randomly buys it for me without me asking.
  6. The way he smoothly slides his hand into mine when we’re walking side by side.
  7. When he knows that I’ll always want the bigger portion when we eat, whether its breakfast, lunch or dinner. I’m a proud, little glutton.
  8. The way his hands always find themselves in my hair, even when its an absolute mess.
  9. The way his eyes darken when he stares me straight in the eyes when he’s about to go in for a kiss. My breath always stops when his eyes catch mine.
  10. When he grabs my hands to crack my thumbs. I dont’ know why he does this but I absolutely love it.
  11. The fact that he’ll willingly rewatch his favorite tv shows just to experiece them with me.
  12. The way he’s not afraid to show that I’m his in public. Just a little kiss here, a simple ass grope there lol.
  13. The simple kiss to the forehead he nonchalantly gives me when I’m not expecting it. It’s so damn sweet that I can’t help the goofy grin that comes to my lips when he does it.

These are most of my favorite things he does for me. These are the reasons he’s on my mind 75% of the day (honestly I’m thinking of food the other 25% haha). He may not think I pay attention these little things he does but trust me I do, and they make me so happy.These moments are so special to me and make me feel like the most treasured person when I’m with him.

When A Good Thing Is Good, It Ends Abruptly


What do you do when you did everything right, but things still didn’t work out. Well a normal person would ask themselves why over and over again (I did that for a day). An abnormal person would just say “fuck it” and keep going. This is where I’m at now. Yet, even though the “W” and “H” are fading away, the “Y” is still there. Seriously, Y?

Each kiss was full of feeling. They were slow and sensual, burning a path through my body. Your arms pulling me close and holding me tight. They were hard and full of passion with your hands holding my face and body flat against mine. They were in public, in private, in a truck, in bed, in front of friends and for the first time on my couch with my favorite movie playing in the background. Now they are nothing but memories.

Your hands paved roads that stopped short of my heart, which I am thankful for. Each nerve in my body came alive at your touch. Your hand flat against my back caused a tremble to flow through me. Your hand gliding into mine as you pulled me closer to your side was feeling so intimate it didn’t seem real. My palm still feels every shape you drew with your fingertips.

Each word you spoke still resonates through my memory. Though I could only comprehend so much of what I took in, I still remember enough. At times I would stop listening entirely, though not being rude. My eyes would just be so captivated in your eyes and face as it came alive with what you were explaining. Your hands moving all over as you dove deeper into your words. It was exciting to watch.

When it comes down to it, part of me wants to know what went wrong. How is it that I felt something but you didn’t. No I don’t blame you for your feelings, I just dislike how one-sided it became. I doubt either of us did anything wrong, but I will still find something wrong as I am emotional creature.

At the end of it all, I’d have to say I am almost at peace. Hell, I’m writing this so that I can get it out of my head and be further in peace. This all still doesn’t seem real at all. One minute we’re chatting like normal people and next thing I know, we’re broken up. I was in such a shock, I never got to say what I wanted to say. All the words I wanted to say to you are still here. All my thoughts and concerns are still in my head. All of this was shoved back into me like a stake through the heart when “Goodbye” popped up on my screen.

I’ll probably never see you again, and I guess that’s okay. My thoughts still float to you randonly, but my head will be cleared soon. I still find a tear or two sliding from my lids, but soon my eyes will have dried. My chest tightens slightly at anything that reminds me of you, but the small tinge of pain will have gone away eventually and all will be right with the world. Hey, at least I have nothing but happy memories. That was the best thing I’ve even been given and I thank you for that.