That Can’t Sleep Love

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This weirdest feeling came over me this morning. It was 6:47 A.M. so I know I’d snoozed my alarm about 6 time. I groaned into my pillow at the thought of getting out the bed, regret filling me for staying up too late watching Netflix. Then it happened. I looked through blurry eyes over to my right and glanced at the face of my boyfriend, who was snoring away. My eyes moved from his closed eyes to his slightly parted lips. I took in how calmly his chest rose and fell and the way his snores were powerful yet soft. I took in how his hair brushed the top of his forehead, back and forth slowly in the gusts from the fan. I took in all this and, at damn near 7 A.M. in the morning, I once again realized I loved this man. 

Sure we’ve both established that we love each other but this was different. This was stronger. This literally filled my entire being and took my breath away. This was fucking terrifying. In those short moments, I realized this man meant so much to me. I’ve had so many sappy moments in my head all last month, each one fighting its way out of my brain and trying to escape through my words. I wanted to say so many disgustingly cute things to him but my breath would always catch and my words would die in my throat. Today I’ve decided that I’m going to stop that and say what I need to say. 

Right now I am at work and I’ve never been more distracted in my life. I keep thinking about little things and I’ve had this big, stupid grin on my face. It’s so dumb but so amazing at the same time. I’ve never felt this way before  and I never want to lose this feeling. Everyone should feel this way, always. 

I’ve always thought I know what love was growing up but I realize now that I was only creating a fantasy love that wasn’t there in any of my past relationships. Not to be mean, but they were insignificant but needed at the same time. I learned so much, and though I was hurt, it was necessary. They prepared me for what I have now. 

So to conclude my little mush fest of a post, I’d like to finally get a few things off my chest on what I love. It’s only here for me to finally get the courage to say these things:

  1. I love that you let me be myself.
  2. I love that you accept my good and my bad
  3. I love that you bring me into your world, whether it’s through music, movies or food
  4. I love that you take my feelings into account on everything 
  5. I love that you don’t shame me for how much I eat or what I wear
  6. I love that you took the initiative to get to know my family and in return let me bond with yours 
  7. I love that you have made me love my body more in the last 6 months than I have in the last 25 years of my life 
  8. I love that you call me beautiful when no other man had 
  9. I love that you look at me like I’m the best thing ever when you open your eyes in the morning 
  10. I love that you have restored my faith in what a father should be just by loving your sons unconditionally.
  11. Finally, I love that you are you. No more, no less. 

Once again, I think everyone should feel this way. Its disgusting. Its sappy. Yet it’s the best feeling you can ever feel. 

Solo Nerd Day #1: Success

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Yesterday, I decided to get out of the apartment and have a Shay Day and I must say, it was pretty damn awesome. The theme for the day came to me after spending all morning scrolling through, commenting and liking posts on The Extraordinary Journey of A Black Nerd group on Facebook. After immersing myself in anime, superheroes and just plain nerdness, I was ready. I did my hair and looked cute as hell. I put on my favorite superhero shirt (The Flash obviously). I was excited.


Once I felt cute as shit, I packed my bag with all the necessary equipment for my day: my tablet for reading my books on the Kindle app and scrolling through Buzzfeed, a physical book because nothing beats the real thing, and my journal in case some form of inspiration came to me. 

All packed and ready to go, I got my life and walked out the door. I had a full schedule planned but the first place on my list was obviously going to be the best place for a bookworm.


I settled there and ordered some food and a drink and actually felt more relaxed than I’d been in a long time. I didn’t feel watched. I was at peace. I sipped my drink and read my book while the voices of Kid Fury and Crissle of The Read podcast spoke truth in my ears. 


I spent a heavenly 2 hours there, accepting compliments on my hair, chilling around cool, nice people and enjoying a delicious lunch, before the sounds of thunder had me scurrying back to my car and to the apartment. The minute I walked through the door, I went upstairs and turned on my PS4 and started playing my new video game. I wouldn’t say new though. It’s just new to me now since I haven’t played it since I was 11. 


After a bit of that, I went back downstairs and turned on my Big Lots Polaroid speaker (best $15 I’ve ever spent) and listened to some more of my podcasts while I worked on some birthday gifts. 


I stopped in the midst of crocheting and went and fetched myself a glass of cranberry juice and some vanilla yogurt before starting my next project: part one of my mom’s birthday gift. Starting this project made me so happy since I know how much she wants this blanket and I’m going to feel so excited to give it to her. 


Before long, I realized that my day was now night and the living room was darkening. I would say my Nerd Day was such a success and I felt very much accomplished at the fact that my entire day was filled with activities catered just to me. 

I advise everyone to just have a day just for them. You’ll never forget the feeling. 

Just A Little Bit At A TimeĀ 

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It’s has been 4 months since I’ve accidentally changed some of my bad habits. The biggest habit I kicked to the curb was the way I ate and what I ate. I didn’t stop eating bad altogether but I replaced a lot of the bad with better food. I didn’t believe people at first when they mentioned that I was getting smaller but I noticed it about a month ago. It came so suddenly and its left me confused. How does one feel when they get smaller. Sure I’m happy but I’m also conflicted. It’s like I’m looking at a whole new me. 

The picture below is from exactly one week ago and when I took it, I just stared at the picture in awe. For once, I was actually pretty happy with what I saw. It wasn’t even with me getting smaller. It was the pure confidence I exuded from that photo. The pout, the pose, yes lawd. I felt everything from my one selfie. 


It’s been a week later and I still feel like I’m walking on air. That was the first time I’d ever worn a bikini in front of others and been truly comfortable. Even when I was young and way smaller, I never felt right in my skin when I wore one. I love how time changes things.

I still don’t believe in the change in my body sometimes and I have to sometimes remind my self with pictures. It may seem conceited of me but they’re not for others. They’re truly for me to prove to myself that I did change. 


The change wasn’t all physical. It was also emotional and spiritual. I actually feel better about life. Not saying was depressed before, but I definitely wasn’t completely happy either. Each morning I wake up, I actually smile and its so cliche. I actually feel excited to put on cute clothes and wear the bare minimum (not saying I couldn’t before). I can walk around in my underwear and feel like the queen of the world. Even naked, I feel so empowered. I can’t help but stare at my body every chance I get (I advice everyone to do this every once in a while). I just feel amazing, all day, every day. 


I have goal in mind for my body. I’m not losing any weight just to shed pounds for anyone. I’m actually dropping the pounds to find that girl I once was over a decade ago. I want to fully gaze upon her and try to figure out how I never saw her before. What was obscuring my vision so badly that I refused to believe she existed. All I can say is that I’m coming for her and she better be ready when I knock down that door.