Fear

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Normally, I wouldn’t post twice in a night. Hell, I wouldn’t even post this much in a week. Tonight is different though. Tonight went from amazing to sour real quick.

As always, I am sitting here listening to music until the wee hours of the morning. My listening to music led me to watch Youtube videos. A simple video about hair made me realize that in less than a month I would be taking graduation photos. I quickly watched a few videos on how I could fit my natural hair under that cap. With that problem solved, a new one arose. For the last month I have been confused and worried over the status of my financial aid stability for next semester as I am graduating with under 12 hours. The thought of adding a new class has been teetering on the edge of my mind for weeks now. This thought then brought me to my issue with finding an internship, which is where the problem began.

Opening Google became my death wish. The more I typed and searched, the more anxious and stressed I became. Finding nothing on top of nothing made me so angry. With this anger, I began to think of every thing that bothered me. I am 24 years old and about to graduate, which is great. I am also 24 years old, about to graduate without a driver’s license, car, job prospect and a clear cut idea on where I’m going after May. As each one of these thoughts entered my head, my body began to react. My chest tightened and my throat constricted. My lungs seemed to forget how to give me air and I feel as if I am choking. My head feels fuzzy and in the clouds. My body is trembling and my teeth are clenched so painfully, I feel as if they may crack under the pressure. As you can see, I am a wreck.

The worst part of this situation is that I have no one to take to at this God forsaken hour. My mother is at work. My father is asleep. My brother is unfortunately preoccupied. All reasonable people have gone to bed long ago. I am utterly alone and in my distressed feelings. So I am writing this. This is the only way I can get out my feelings before I blow and that is never pretty to see or deal with. I’m certain tomorrow (or later on today) I will feel at ease again and have the ability to rationally look at this. Until the I will close out all browsers and listen to music and read a book until I fall into a fitful slumber.

Anxiety attacks have beautiful timing, I swear.

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