You think you’d know a person, especially when that person is you. I feel as if I should have my inner-Shay completely figured out by now, but it 3 weeks til my 24th year and I still don’t know her…emotionally. I know when I’m hungry. I know when I’m sleepy. I know when I’m…well you know. Yet, when when it comes to my emotions, I just don’t know.
You’re probably confused, right. I’m confusing myself so I know you’re confused. Let me try and clear this up.
I’ve always had a certain way I saw love and I tried to keep to it. Most people I knew wanted that lovey-dovey, we were meant to be and (insert disgusting sappiness here) type of love. That just wasn’t for me. All I wanted was a person that would be there when they were supposed to be there. I didn’t want you there all the time because that would be selfish, but I wanted you there when I needed you. I didn’t want flowers, candy or teddy bears, just a bit of conversation, personal time and affection. I feel as if that was a perfect request. Well I thought I found that in my first (and only) boyfriend, but that was a total lie. I won’t go into details but I will say those 2 years opened up a part of me I never wanted to meet. Cynical and cold as ice, this part of me blocked most of the pain and helped me move on.
Now I am a double-sided coin that always seems to fall on the colder side. I say this because I told myself years ago that I would begin to move on, but this has never happened. There was always an excuse, a flaw or a dysfunctional detail in their personality that made me say no. I would find every reason to not go through with it…until now apparently.
Recently I have been feeling these strange pangs in my chest. I wrote them off as stress months go, but that changed. I thought it was anxiety, but no. It wasn’t until I felt the prickle of tears at my eyes one night, that I realized what I was dealing with. It wasn’t until I deciphered that there was pain behind the pang that it hit me. I was fucking lonely.
Oh I am pissed beyond reason and I really shouldn’t be. It is a human emotion and one of the more basic ones at that. It just makes me angry that my body would betray me like this. I don’t want to deal with longing and want. I don’t want to put myself out there. I just want to have things as they were. Once again, I should be mad. Yet I am. This feeling may be normal but it brought along friends. With this emotion came memories, and I hate them all. It came with sadness and regret. I see all this as weakness. The main reason I don’t like this is the fact that I’ll eventually want what my heart wants and that means I have to open up again. Right now I feel my eyes burn as I blink away once-forgotten sadness and I hate myself for somehow bringing it all back.
Some of my friends, whom I see as a second family, have recently found some sort of significant other or figure that is working to that position and I enjoy watching them find that happiness. You might think they are the reason for these sudden emotions, but no. They are not even factors in my issue. I really don’t understand where this is coming from and it bothers me so much. This feeling alone is enough to drive me crazy. It feel like someone has my heart in their hand and they are squeezing tighter and tighter ever so often. Every squeeze knocked the breath from me and I just feels horrible. I really wish I could stop this but I can’t. Hopefully it is just a phase and will go away on its own soon.